Bren Bataclan’s Fe: A Traumatized Son’s Graphic Memoir, explores developing love and understanding for the people who shape us.
“So my mom, she had lots of fits of rages and tantrums... She lacked the maternal skills, but she was a great friend,” Bren says. “[The book is] about this dual personality of hers. In the end, it's all about love and forgiveness and the strength of a Filipino family.”
Bren Bataclan is a full-time artist based in Boston. He has also spent time teaching design and computer animation at the University of Massachusetts Amherst.
In this episode of the BOSFilipinos Podcast, Bren shares the process behind creating his graphic memoir and shares some of the stories featured in his book. Get a copy of the book at fememoir.com.
Listen to the full conversation below, or subscribe to our show on Apple Podcast, Google Play, Stitcher, and Spotify.
Transcript
[MUSIC]
Kaitlin Milliken: Hello, and welcome to the BOSFilipinos Podcast. I'm your host, Kaitlin Milliken, and this show is obviously made by BOSFilipinos.
In each episode of our podcast, we highlight a different aspect of Filipino life in the Greater Boston area. So today we’re back with a reading recommendation — Bren Bataclan’s Fe: A Traumatized Son’s Graphic Memoir.
Bren is a Boston-based artist. He was born in the Philippines and immigrated to Daly City, California before making his cross country move to the bay state. Bren also spent time teaching design and computer animation at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Today, Bren is a full time artist. This is his first memoir.
Bren sent me a copy of his book before our interview and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The graphic memoir is an empathetic look at Bren’s relationship with his late mother. While the comic goes through the aspects that made their relationship tense, it also celebrates the things Bren loved most about his mom. Throughout, Bren also shares aspects of his identity — as an artist, as an immigrant, as a gay person, son, brother, husband. And with that introduction, thank you so much Bren for being here.
Bren Bataclan: Well, thanks for having me. I'm so excited.
Kaitlin Milliken: So to kick us off, tell us a little bit about your new book, Fe: A Traumatized Son’s Graphic Memoir, what inspired you to kick off the writing process?
Bren Bataclan: If you asked me just a year ago, if I would have a graphic memoir published or even have a rough version of it, I would have laughed. About a year ago, when we started to lockdown, all my mural residencies have either been rescheduled or cancelled. So I was really panicking. I had two choices, one to really freak out, and just being a corner fetal, worrying about everything, or be creative. So I tried a whole bunch of things. So I started to paint some pandemic related art that sounded too gloomy, then I kind of reached back. And a few years ago, I had an exhibit about my immigration experience at the Pao Arts Center. And the pieces that I painted, they almost looked like comic book strips. So actually Grace Talusan was the one who pointed out and said, “Hey, Bren, maybe you should consider having a graphic novel.” And I just laughed again, this was 2018. I said, “What, no way.” Last March, I started to consider that. I just promised myself again, that I would not kind of waste time and not be creative. And so this is what came about.
Kaitlin Milliken: And the book really focuses on your mother Fe. Can you paint a picture of your relationship with your mom, for folks who may not have a chance to have seen the book yet?
Bren Bataclan: To put it mildly my mom was a challenge. You read the book. This is sort of like a tribute for her. She passed away, close to three years, about two and a half years. So a little bit more, I guess it's a way for me to deal with my relationship with her and also her death. The book deals with a lot of mental health issues and hers were not diagnosed. So we don't even you know, know if it's really real, if that's just who she was. So it's hard to tell, because she was not diagnosed because you know, at her age, she was 83 when she passed away. So actually seeing a psychiatrist in the Philippine-American community, that's still a taboo — was back then, it still is.
So my mom, she had lots of fits of rages and tantrums. To top that all off, she started to hoard. When my dad moved back to the Philippines and when he passed away, this is when her hoarding started. So that added kind of like real layers to like the challenges already. But at the same time, she was a really good friend. So she lacked the maternal skills, but she was a great friend. And she was also really open minded and really gay friendly. So when I came out, I knew that it wasn't going to be a big deal. It's about this dual personality of hers. In the end, it's all about love and forgiveness and the strength of a Filipino family.
Kaitlin Milliken: That's great. One of the things I really loved when I was reading your graphic memoir, was how much empathy came through when you read it. How did you come to have that understanding towards her perspective, as much as you did when writing the book?
Bren Bataclan: That's a really good question. Last night, I received this really heartfelt and moving feedback from a non-Filipino person and then she said, “You know parents should not put this much burden on their children.” And at the same time, how can you miss something you never had? That was my experience, and I had to work through that. And I actually responded, and I said, “I wish I built resilience through a more...like maybe through sports, or camp or the Boy Scouts. But that wasn't the case. And I like how I grew up to be, like who I am now.” So I guess that's the sum of all of my experiences. I guess that's how I dealt with what was given to me, and I made the most out of it.
Kaitlin Milliken: You mentioned resilience, one of the things that you bring up in the book is the relationship that you have with your siblings as well, your older sister and brother, can you talk a little bit about that relationship that the three of you developed living with your mom?
Bren Bataclan: I didn't know my siblings when I was a kid in the Philippines, because there's like a big gap, like at least six or seven years between my brother and then more with my sister. So when I was sort of aware of who they were, I was maybe seven or eight, they were all already teenagers. And so we didn't have anything in common. They have always been close, because they only have two years apart. And then there was me. I think my parents, though they didn't verbally say, they were happy with a boy and a girl. And it was like, “Oh, there’s a surprise! There's Bren.”
So it wasn't until later on that we became super close. This was the most challenging part of the book, because I really value... The last thing I wanted was to burn the bridges between my siblings tonight, because again, we’re really, really close, because I painted my mom in, you know, in good and not so favorable ways. And also their experience with my parents are completely different from mine, because when we were in the Philippines, they were pretty much the traditional parents, like my dad worked and my mom stayed at home, even though she didn't do any chores. Yeah, but that was the norm. And when we moved here, my parents were already in their 50s. And, you know, we moved from a five bedroom house to a one bedroom apartment. And they both had to get jobs. And then my dad has to do housework, which he never used to do. So it was kind of like a role reversal. And at that point, my siblings left home, and they got married.
So I had to deal with all of the changes that my parents had to go through. And I think that's when all the mental health issues kicked in, I was really concerned how they would see the book, because in a lot of ways, how I described my parents, it's not how they see my parents, because we had totally different experiences. But then my brother did have to take care of my mom during her last three years of her life. And there's a part of that book where, you know, my brother experienced the insanity of having to take care of my mom. So in a lot of ways, they can relate to what I've experienced as well. But I was so really concerned how my family would see my book.
Kaitlin Milliken: So if there's a story or a memory that’s in your memoir that you want to share, go ahead.
Bren Bataclan: I like the beginning of the book because it ties in with my immigration experience exhibit at the Pao Arts Center in Boston. So Grace was one of the first ones who saw the rough version of my book. And she said to highlight your immigration experience. So like initially, that wasn't a part of my book. So my book starts out with my grandfather fighting alongside the Americans. So it's the chain migration part of how we got here. So he fought alongside the Americans, and he petitioned or he brought his family members here, and there talks about how, as a kid, I was able to adapt really well, because most kids I mean, most folks in the Philippines speak English. Then we moved to a Filipino town. So it's really easy. But my dad, who was again in his 50s, he had to leave his side of the family behind and it was all my mom's family members here. So it's highlighting all the challenges of my family's immigration experience.
So I guess one of the funny experiences that I'd like to highlight was in the late 90s, after my dad passed away, like years after I sign up my mom to a video dating service. So this is pre-internet.
Kaitlin Milliken: Proto-Tinder.
Bren Bataclan: Proto-Tinder. Yeah, just oh my god. This is all video, and it costs a lot of money. And she was really into it too. She saw lots of ads about it. This is in the late 90s. So I flew from Boston to California, and she looked really young for her age and one of the first thing she asked me was like, “Bren I want a guy in his 40s.” I'm like, “What, that's only 10 years older than me mom at that point.” And we were driving along the Golden Gate Bridge and, and I said, “it's just gonna be a big headache.”
They videotaped her. And eventually we would go to the center, and she would review tapes of guys that she might eventually date. And there were other people there. And she would just like, kind of yell out all these like insane comments like, “oh, he looks really short.” I said, “Mom, you’ve seen only the first two seconds” or like, “He's not handsome.”
She finally had her first date. And you know, in the Philippines, like, if you ask a woman to pay for the meal, half the meal, that’s the end of everything. So I guess, this 40-year-old guy that she found was hip and modern. And then he made her pay. It was a disaster. So she called me immediately. It was just a crying session. Just after one date, she said, “Bren, I'm not going to go back.”
“Mom,” I said, “I paid thousands of dollars for this.” And then it switched to she said, “Okay, how if we go to like these ballroom dancing for senior citizens.” So I flew back to San Francisco again, took her there, and she hated it. Because it turned out everyone was her age. And she felt all the 60-year-old people were too old. So she remained single.
Kaitlin Milliken: Sometimes you win, and you lose when it comes to, I guess, tape dating, I think that the family element of your book is so interesting. I grew up in a Filipino family as well. There's a lot of closeness. But you also mention your now husband at the time you were dating Bob sort of getting accustomed to the family where there's a lot of cultural differences. Can you talk a little bit about that?
Bren Bataclan: Sure. So Bob, and I, we just celebrated our 25th anniversary.
Kaitlin Milliken: Congratulations.
Bren Bataclan: Thank you. So he's super WASP. Like he's from here. He's from Massachusetts. It's like his ancestors are like...they've been here. He has like two cousins. I have 40. The difference is just insane.
You know, in the Filipino culture, you're only allowed to be by yourself, like, possibly on two occasions. One if you're studying. Two if you’re mad. Then the rest of the time, you're hanging on the couch, like you're together. So this was a challenge in our relationship. When we first started even now, like he loves to read, he reads like 200 books a year. And I would like nuzzle next to him, hanging out with him and he’d say, “Bren, we have two rooms. Why aren't you there?” Like, “Why aren't you with me? You know, we're a couple.” So even the two of us here, I have no sense of space. He's all about space.
So when he's with my family, it's just completely insanity. And so we spent about a month in San Francisco every year. And he loves it. He's like, for three weeks he's surrounded by 40 Filipinos. There's like karaoke or Mahjong going here. So he's used to it. Now. There is a part of the book where he, like, a couple of years after we started dating, I invited him to join us at one of our family vacations to Florida. And my sister and her husband, they live in California. My mom was in California. My brother and his family were in the Midwest. And we all met in Florida.
And we walked into the suite. And Bob — I didn't tell him anything because I knew he wouldn't accompany us. So he asked, “So when are we going to our own suite?” I said, “No, we’re all here.” It’s not like we couldn't afford that. But our mentality is like “We don't spend enough time together. We have to be together every single second of this week.” Our kind of bedroom security where we're going to sleep? I said, “Well, my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband will be in one room. The kids will be in the living room. And bonus, my mom and the two of us will be in the same room. You should be thankful that there are two beds, because she wouldn't mind snuggling with us because that's just the way we roll.”
Then in all of that my mom had one of her epic meltdowns. You just have to read that. So that wasn't the worst part of the book. Yeah, there's like more and it deals with Bennigan's, the restaurant, the former restaurant.
Kaitlin Milliken: When you specifically named drop Bennigan's Monte Cristos. I’m like, “Those are the best sandwiches!” I used to work by a Bennigan's.
Bren Bataclan: Like remember, they would dare you to like eat all four of the slice sandwiches because they were just humongous.
Kaitlin Milliken: You leave feeling so gross, but it's also so deeply satisfying. And,
Bren Bataclan: And then I have no funny story about that, too. When I first started this book project, I cuz I'm a big fan of David Sedaris. And I looked at his agents list and one of his agents sounds totally Pinay. So I sent her a copy of my book, and she passed it to David Sedaris and he read it and he mailed me a written postcard and he said, “The Bennigan's portion of your book is my favorite.” And I have that postcard framed.
Kaitlin Milliken: So a big part of the book, while it deals a lot with your mom and your relationship with your mom, it has a lot to do with your identity as well. So your Filipino identity, your immigration story, your experience as a gay man. What was the writing process like when you were deciding what you wanted to talk about what the right mix of these different parts of yourself we're going to end up in the final book?
Bren Bataclan: Prior to embarking on this project most of my work has been with elementary school kids, and so they've all just been kid friendly. And there are some not so G related stuff i tried to book. I mean there's no profanity, but you know what I mean right? The book is not for kids. So this was interesting, I was concerned that I might alienate some of my audience and my biggest worry is like some parents would just buy my book without even considering the content. But I've warned enough on Facebook, like this is not for little kids and actually on one of the first pages it says, “This is not for little kids.”
Also what's great about this is it's also almost like a coming out process with everyone because, unlike Bob who's out, he teaches high school so he's totally out. But I kind of have to come out every single week at a new school but having this book it's great because it's on my homepage. You can read about me. So I hope I don't have to… I can just be myself.
This is a real like a true portrayal of my mom which is really funny too because my sister just bought a whole bunch of the books that she sent to our relatives in the Philippines and that was worrisome to like, “How would they think about my mom?” No, they all agreed, “Yeah that's your mother.”
The immigration experience that just a given. I guess it's just honesty. Because with my mom, one thing I like about it is it’s not about physical or sexual abuse. And I think can share it, it can still be funny and I didn't want to vilify her. So you know it's that kind of weird how much can I share?
Kaitlin Milliken: I do have two more questions. One has to do with the style of your graphic memoir. Most of the characters, they're hand drawn with the exception of your mom whose face is a photo and sometimes it's different photos. Sometimes there's drawing over the photos. Can you talk a little bit about that choice that you made to have her face be a pictured face?
Bren Bataclan: When I first started doing it, I said “I’m going to work on a graphic memoir.
I researched a lot. I bought a whole bunch of Filipino American graphic novels. So Malaka Gharib’s I Was Their American Dream that's my source of inspiration. Along with AJ Dungo’s In Waves. And I also branched out of Filipino American graphic novels. One of them is Mira Jacobs’ Good Talk. So I started combining all those sides because Mira Jacobs almost all her images are photographs but she is hand drawn but they all look photo-realistic. And then AJ’s sort of in the middle. And then Malaka’s very loose.
So I didn't want to copy any of the style so I was researching and going, “Okay how can I make this Bren-like?” If you look at my other paintings, they're mostly just boxes like yellow rectangles with stick figures like ants and stuff. Then I rediscovered these photos of my mom. So when my mom passed away we found a box full of her candid photos and those are probably photos you wanted to burn but she didn't have the heart to do so because this was in the 80s and you couldn't back up photos. And I thought, “Oh someday I could use this.” And eventually these are wacky photos of my mom because she was really photogenic and the front cover is a big concern too because it's not so flattering and my siblings, my brother especially, when he first saw it there what they really said was “that was her expression all the time.” Like if you asked her for like a favorite she would give that kind of blank look. People in now starting to send me photos of that same expression with that book.
Kaitlin Milliken: This is my final question for you because we are just about wrapping up. What's something that you hope that people who read your graphic memoir leave with”
Bren Bataclan: It's love. Just be forgiving and who knows because even though I wish that the burden of me being more of a parent rather than my mom being a parent, I wish that wasn't the case. But it is, and you just accepted and you make the most out of it. And you never know. Like, I never thought that this kind of not so great experience would manifest into a book. So I'm really grateful for that. So you just never know, like, make the most out of what you have.
Kaitlin Milliken: And I think that's a really beautiful note to end on. Thank you so much, Bren, for taking the time.
Bren Bataclan: Salamat den, this is great.
Kaitlin Milliken: This has been the BOSFilipinos Podcast. I'm your host, Kaitlin Milliken. Music for our show was made by Matt Garamella. Special thanks to Bren for joining us. To get a copy of Bren’s book, you can go fememior.com. There you can get the book directly from the publisher, PAWA, which is run by Filipino artists and writers. You can also check out Bel Canto Books, a Filipino-owned bookstore in Long Beach, California. This is our twelfth episode and last month our podcast turned one. So happy birthday to us! If you liked this episode of our show, you can subscribe to the BOSFilipinos Podcast on your streaming platform of choice. You can also follow us on Instagram, @bosfilipinos, to stay connected. If you have ideas of what we should cover, you can let us know at bosfilipinos.com. Thanks for listening and see you soon.